Honest Thoughts
by Ashkimo
Summary: New chapters taken from moments in Catching Fire now up! A new name for this fic as well! Please R and R, and of course I don't own anything!
1. Monster

I've always seen the human body as a canvas, something plain that can easily be made beautiful.

My years of training have given me the skills of an artist; my occupation, any tool I could desire to make my visions come to life.

She was such perfect material to work with for my very first masterpiece; I transformed her raw beauty into refined magnificence.

If only I could have done it for a purer reason.

How despicable I must seem to her; what I monster I've become.

Dressing her up to impress those who cannot wait to see her die.


	2. Strength

Each day that passes, I'm forced to watch her suffer.

Lost in the forest, hunted by those awful "Careers" and allying with that pretty young girl from District 11.

Whilst I do fear for her, I know she's tough; she has an uncanny ability to stay alive.

As selfish as I feel, I'm more afraid for myself and her sister; she is our provider, our protector and without her, we cannot survive.

I have failed her as a mother, but I can try redeem myself now.

For Prim, I must be strong. Or her sacrifice will have been for nothing.


	3. Wits

I watch the strong ones heft their weights and throw their spears; to them, survival is a given.

I see the beautiful ones toss their hair and bat their eyelids, confident of a sponsor's protection and assistance.

I gaze at the experienced ones, knowing that skills gained from their lives of obvious hardship will serve them well.

I stare at the weak ones, the crippled ones, the young ones, and quietly pity them for how can they possibly survive without attractiveness, power or knowledge?

I look in the mirror and know that only my sharp wits can save me now.


	4. Aware

The widescreen television in my bedroom is never switched off, for I am transfixed by this year's Annual Hunger Games.

Two of this year's tributes interest me greatly; the girl from District 12 with her desperate will to survive and her ally, that tiny little thing from District 11.

Whilst they surely have no chance of winning against that brute of a male from District 2, I cannot help but admire their courage

Suddenly, I become aware of the great riches surrounding me; aware that I am able to help increase their chances of survival.

I pick up the telephone…


	5. Jealous

Tomorrow we enter the arena, where I will begin my quest for victory.

I think about all of my rival tributes, and know that very few will pose me any threat – my "fellow" Careers (of course), the boy from District 11, perhaps the boy from District 12.

Suddenly, I remember the plain, scrawny girl from District 12; the one with the stylist that somehow made her beautiful and the Training Score of eleven.

**ELEVEN!**

So silly and harmless, yet she managed to outshine AND outscore me, despite my obviously stunning looks and extensive training.

She will be my first kill.


	6. Vengeance?

Once, I would have liked to see her hurt, to punish her for allowing the Capitol to kill Aiden and mutilate me; now, I cannot help but pity her, that poor girl from District 12.

She looks as if she's suffered a great deal in her short life, but though her eyes are hard, she also seems so vulnerable.

It broke my heart to see her standing there, surrounded by broken plates and debris with tears streaming down her face; I did my best to clean up the mess and soothe her.

I just wish she didn't have to die.


	7. Suffering

At least here I can lie here and think until I die, concealed by the mud, rock and weeds of the riverbank.

Would she have ever noticed me if not for these Games?

Would I have ever gained the courage to speak to her?

Did I do the right thing, in professing my love for her?

So many questions I'll never have answers for; the throbbing pain in my leg a constant reminder that my life is almost over.

Stuck in this cold, wet, uncomfortable riverbank, I find myself often thinking of the one thing that gives me peace.

Her.


	8. Horror

I wish there were a way to save her from this horror.

Unlike that tiny blond girl from District 12 with her sister, there was nobody willing to volunteer in little Rue's place.

Though she can fly amongst the trees like a bird and, like me, has the common District 11 knowledge of feeding oneself from the earth, what use are these skills against a 200-pound Career with a knife, spear or sword?

But I cannot save her.

Why?

If I don't return, I cannot continue to help provide for my family and all eight of them will surely starve…


	9. Gunpoint

I have done the best I could for them.

I have coached them on personal presentation, televised behaviour and appealing to their audience.

I have regaled them to my acquaintances, and feel certain that I have several potential sponsors interested in their cause.

Cooperative, skilled, tenacious and intelligent – in short, the have been the best tributes I have ever had the privilege of representing.

Haymitch, however, worries me. In the past, his alcoholism and unwillingness to negotiate have left numerous District 12 tributes sponsorless.

But, for Katniss and Peeta, I will get him to the table at gunpoint, if necessary.


	10. Gone

The spear in my stomach hurts so much.

Through the pain of it, I can barely feel Katniss' arms around me and though my vision is blurry, I can see the horror on her face.

I know now that the end is near.

I beg her to sing and soon her voice – beautiful, high and clear – surrounds me, the simple words of her song reminding me of home.

Everything begins to go darker, even the sound of Katniss singing beginning to fade, her voice cracking.

I close my eyes, and hear:

"…where I love you"

And then, everything is gone.


	11. Sober

For the first time in years, I remain completely sober.

My eyes are fixated by the television screen; on the table, several telephones sit, one of them almost always buzzing with sponsors eager to donate to their cause.

I watch them closely, planning carefully – each gift must be selected with great precision and presented with flawless timing.

I cannot deny that I am attached to this pair and normally, this would just cause me to drink more.

But no, not for these two.

They're fighters, this year. And with my help, **both** of them could return to District Twelve alive.


	12. Watch

Most days I cannot bear to watch, it hurts so much.

Sadly, I cannot escape it.

During school: my friends urge me to watch at lunch and each day they get more excited at Katniss' survival.

In the square: passers-by recognise me as her sister, complimenting me on her present success and often providing me with small gifts of food.

At home: my mother watches our battered old television almost constantly, transfixed.

I cannot bear to watch more than is absolutely necessary; it tortures me to see her suffer, to see her close to death...just so _I_ could live.


	13. Failure

I have failed in my mission; I will not be the victor of the 74th Annual Hunger Games.

Upon entering, I thought that I stood a good chance of winning this, even against the likes of Cato and Thresh.

But, it was not meant to be.

How odd, that he should kill me yet spare her; for each one of us that dies his chances of survival increase.

It seems that the world is more complicated than I thought; there are rules of honour and trust that exist even within _this_ feral environment.

I can only hope Cato wins now.


	14. Outwitted

I don't know how that stupid little witch from District 12 managed to outsmart us all, but she did.

It was obvious that the boy was desperately in love with her; I would never have believed that she returned his feelings until the last few minutes of this year's Games.

But, it seems she does.

That stunt with the berries almost destroyed the Games themselves; without a victor, they would have failed spectacularly.

I suppose she thinks she's safe to live freely in a life of comfort now, with her sister and her precious boyfriend.

Oh, how wrong she is.


	15. Entertainment

I have spent the better part of my life discussing, commenting on and providing a voice for the Annual Hunger Games; it is no longer an occupation for me, but a lifestyle.

After so many years of doing this, little that happens in the arena comes as a surprise to me; however this year's pair from District Twelve have kept me on the edge of my seat, especially the fiery Katniss Everdeen.

For me, life has offered few greater pleasures than proclaiming them joint winners of the 74th Annual Hunger Games; for the entertainment they have provided, they deserve it.


	16. Sacrifice

AUTHORS NOTE: DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T READ CHAPTER ONE OF CATCHING FIRE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED (A VERY MINOR SPOILER AT THAT).

Though heaven knows none of us can spare it, every day I send around the collection jar for the Everdeen girl. I usually send one of my grandkids to do it; everyone knows what it's for, they need no explainin'.

To hear it told, pretty much everyone in town gives whatever they can. Those Hawthorne kids have gone without almost everything they can, just to chip in a few meagre coins every week, though others have made sacrifices too.

They'd have watched her starve when her father died just five years ago; they owe it to her to help now.


	17. Honesty

It kills me to watch her, trapped in those Games and with that Mellark boy. Sometimes I get so angry, it's all I can do not to damage the furniture or the shack we call a home.

I _know_ it's an act. I _know_ she'd barely even spoken to that guy before now, much less been madly in love with him. Katniss isn't like that; she isn't one for swooning over any attractive male that shows interest. Rather, she ignores each and every one, including me.

If she gets out of this alive, I know I'll have to tell her.


	18. Repayment

Rue; poor little Rue has been murdered by that vicious boy from District One.

I stare at the screens in front of me, trying not to focus on the one that shows her vitals flatlining. Instead, I find myself drawn to another screen and watch as the girl from District 12 wreathes my fallen tribute's body in flowers.

I feel respect and obligation towards this girl who protected Rue and sacrificed herself for her beloved younger sister.

I make one short call to District 11, and Rue's District Gift is miraculously on its way to Katniss Everdeen of District 12.


	19. Honour

I stop running for a moment to take stock of what I've just done; I know District 2 will be on my trail.

I wonder how furious Willow will be that I let Fire Girl escape so easily from my grasp.

No, he won't be angry. I think he might understand, that honour still exists, even here. She helped Rue and to hear her say it, made her death somewhat less horrible. As much as I didn't like it, I owed her.

That debt is repaid now. Next time we meet, I'd have to do my best to kill her.


	20. Sisters

Rue's gone. The Gamemakers took her away to the District in the Sky. Mama told me so. She said Rue would be happy there.

I'm the oldest sister now; I gotta help Mama and Papa take care of Oak, Daisy, Acacia, and Rowan.

Mama and Papa want Thresh to win now, 'cause it means more food for us. I like Thresh too, but I don't want him to win because if he does, the bow-and-arrow girl from District 12 won't. And I want her to. 'Cause I don't care about bein' hungry; Katniss' sister Primrose needs her to come home.


	21. Problems

In my heart of hearts, I knew all along she preferred _him_ over me.

I had desperately hoped that while we were trapped in the arena, she'd begun to fall for me. She certainly seemed it, with her kind words, tender caresses and soft kisses. I thought that circumstances had brought us closer; the struggle for survival in the arena, constantly risking our lives for one another.

I see it in her eyes now; that it was all an act to get us both out of there alive.

There's just one other problem.

Without her love, I'm better off dead.


	22. Sunshine

Katniss!

She's coming home! Alive!

She _won_!

My mother is sitting at the kitchen table, her eyes fixed on the television. She's speechless.

"Mama! I have to go find Gale! I have to tell him!" I say, half-running out the door whilst I'm pulling on my shoes and Katniss' hunting jacket. Mother doesn't stop me, and Buttercup follows at my heels.

Outside, the sun is shining and the air clean; the woods don't seem scary today. I barely stop at the fence to see if it is live, before I wriggle underneath and into the forest.

_Katniss is coming home_!


	23. Questions

I remember seeing the Games for the first time when I was six years old; my parents rarely watched it, but Fern Greendale, my distant cousin, was chosen as tribute that year. She was 14 at the time.

Needless to say, she didn't survive. I watched, shocked as Diamond Prius of District 1 smashed her head in with a mace. Diamond was that year's eventual victor.

I screamed at my parents to make it stop; asked them why something so horrible had happened to Fern.

"Because the Capitol has made it so," they'd grimly replied, "and don't ask questions, Katniss"


	24. Berries

**A/N:** This one is for Caisha! I fixed a minor error, too!

Keep reviewing guys!

***

There's other tributes nearby; the lovebirds from District 12. The boy is hopeless at covering his tracks, but I thought Fire Girl knew better.

She mentions that she's going off to hunt for game and that he should stay here and forage without her. He soon disappears off into a nearby clearing.

I peer out from my hiding place and see that they have food – apples, cheese and now, some blueberries.

Without hesitating, I snatch some of the berries and cram them into my mouth; it's been days since I've eaten.

A bitter taste fills my mouth; they're not blueberries.


	25. Help

I've been watching Katniss since her dad died.

I'm worried about her.

She looks smaller than usual, thinner and sadder than I've ever seen her. Her sweet little sister Prim looks the same way. They never looked like the other Seam kids; compared to the rest of them, they looked healthy and happy. Even Dad had to admit that Aaron Everdeen looked after his family.

Now that he's gone though, it seems as if his girls are starving like so many other kids in District 12.

I won't let that happen to Katniss; somehow, I'll figure a way to help.


	26. Music

Perched high in my favourite tree, I can't help but admire the beautiful sunrise we're having today.

Pity it's the day of my first real Reaping. I'm trying not to think about it, too much.

From all the way up here, I can see across the fields and orchards that make up District 11.

A mockingjay flutters out of the sky and perches next to me. I smile at him and whistle a simple tune; he pauses for a minute before repeating it happily. Soon, I'm surrounded by the mockingjay's song.

It's wonderful to hear them, today of all days.


	27. Smile

I hear Prim before I see her; I hear _most_ people before I see them.

"Gale!" she calls, "Gale, where are you!? Come here, come quick!"

About a hundred yards away I see her racing towards me, her long blonde hair fluttering like a banner behind her, a huge smile on her face.

"Gale," she gasps as she catches sight of me, "It's Katniss!"

A look of horror crosses my face; I wonder how she...

"She's coming _home_ Gale! Alive! Katniss... and Peeta. They _both_ won!" she shouts, leaping into my arms.

For the first time in months, I smile.


	28. Crazy

That Everdeen girl is smart; I'll give her that one. Even I didn't think there was a way to get both of them out of there alive.

Still, I don't think she realises how dangerous the authorities are, especially President Snow. That man would murder his own wife if she disagreed with him. I've no idea how she'll escape this alive.

In the background plays the footage of the Games; currently, Katniss is pounding on the glass of the operating theatre, screaming her lungs out.

"She has to be crazy to do that," I think aloud, "absolutely crazy about him..."


	29. Promotions

I am _so_ excited!

Katniss and Peeta were pearls all along! The first successful tributes I've ever escorted and advised. And such a fabulous debut, too!

_Nothing_ could stop me from getting promoted now! Surely they'll give me at least District 6 or District 7. District 4's escort, Ares Xenon is getting rather old and haggard these days; they'd do well to replace her with me.

Actually, District 4 smells too much like fish for me, it's simply _revolting._

Then again... I like Peeta, and Katniss isn't as awful as she once way.

I think I'll stay with District 12.


	30. Decisions

"Mr. Redthorn, the Gamemakers are _very_ impressed with your designs," begins Seneca Crane, Head Gamemaker, "so impressed, in fact, that we are allowing you the rare opportunity to _select _which District tribute you wish to work with this year. You've obviously seen all of the Reapings, so the choice is yours."

Under difference circumstances, I'd have chosen Rue from District 11 or even Menna from District 5; but I know which one I want, the one who _needs_ my skill.

"Gamemakers, I would feel honoured were you to allow me the pleasure of working with Katniss Everdeen of District 12."


	31. Panic!

It's awful but we'd never intended on permitting them _both_ to win; what a dramatic showdown it will be, watching them fight to the death.

Then again, I suspect he will forfeit the Games, and lay down his life so that she may return ho...What's that on Screen 7!? What's going on!?

Berries. Nightlock berries!

Oh my... I can see exactly what they're going to do. Or rather, what she's going to make them do.

The Games _must_ have a victor! Absolutely **MUST**!

I hit the panic button; immediately I am connected with Claudius.

"Declare them victors!" I shout, "Now!"


	32. Lies

I can hear him racing down the dusty street; he bursts into the front door, sweet little Prim shouting behind him that she can't keep up.

"Mom! Katniss! Won the Games!" he gasps, before looking around, "why's the television off?"

"Oh," I lie carefully, "I've only just come back from collecting some laundry."

He switches it on, and I can only stare as a look of sadness crosses his face at what he sees; Katniss inside a hovercraft, looking rabid, feral, screaming Peeta's name .

At this second, Prim races in.

"C'mon Prim-cess," he says quietly, "I'll walk you home."


	33. Volunteer

Representing the female victors from District Four will be... 'Annie Cresta!'

No. Not poor, crazy Annie. She can't go back into the arena.

I've seen a rebellion quashed, 74 years of Hunger Games and thousands of children killed. I was chosen as District Four's tribute to the 12th Annual Games and survived. I can't survive this Quarter Quell; I'm far too old to contend with the likes of Brutus, Enobaria or even that Everdeen girl who'll represent District 12. But I can save Annie from them.

'Take...me,' I shout, as loud as my voice will allow, 'I volunteer...volunteer as tribute.'


	34. Family

Mags' death – gruesome, painful and awful as it was – has made me feel real sadness since the first time I saw Annie after she left the arena. She was like my grandmother; sweet, ancient and sharp as a fishhook. She knew she wasn't going to survive the Quell, but she volunteered anyway just to save Annie.

I couldn't thank her enough for that; when I tried, she'd wave me away, muttering something in her garbled speech about it being her 'time'.

That old seal was the closest thing I had to family; I'll honour her death by fuelling the rebellion.


	35. Lucky

Katniss, Peeta and even Finnick don't realise how lucky they are! There they were, incapacitated by jabberjays programmed to make them wail, and I'm the only one able to keep her head enough to defend us.

The jabberjays the Capitol sent into the arena to drive us mad with the tortured screams of loved ones don't hurt me. After all, everyone I once loved has long been dead.

Finnick, Peeta and Katniss don't realise how lucky they are, to have family and friends still alive that will mourn and miss them if Haymitch's plan fails and we end up dead.


	36. Misfits

What a bunch of misfits we are.

Buzz: the only remaining victor from District Three who seems to live in a strange world of mechanics.

Pearl: a brutal, middle-aged woman from District Four who should learn to keep her opinions to herself.

Teak: crippled and mentally unstable, the sole mentor left from District Seven.

Mad Annie Cresta: always telephoning at inconvenient hours from District Four and asking how we're going to save Finnick.

Me: cunning, brilliant, intelligent and in desperate need of hard liquor.

How ironic, that five crazy misfits now have the fate of Panem resting on their shoulders.


	37. Silence

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

'Not now, Annie!' a grumpy man snaps.

Silence. Then beeping.

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

'H-h-h-Haymitch, it's A-a-a-nnie,' a young man stutters.

Silence. Then beeping.

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

'Annie, could you not call at four in the morning?' a woman growls.

Silence. Then beeping.

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

'Phone! Phone! Lady! Haymitch! Lady call! Finnick!' a man shouts.

Silence. Then beeping.

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

'What is it Annie?' the grumpy man asks.

'Finnick,' I say.

'Yes Annie. We're doing all we can right now!' the man shouts.

Silence. Then beeping.

Press the buttons.

555-1-389-3583

Silence.


End file.
